THE MIND BOGGLES
RANGE: The “vast wasteland” is the dark domain of the Mind Boggles. They travel at the speed of light, on waves of air, and it is virtually
impossible to prevent them from entering any room of your home or favorite bar (especially since they have lately joined together in enormous conspiracies, or “networks,” the better to numb the brains and harden the hearts of mankind).
HABITS: There are many types, or stations, of Mind Boggle, each named after the sort of wicked spell he (or she) casts: the Eye-Glazers, the ThoughtRotters, the Credibility-Stretchers, the Wit-Wilters, the Trash Vendors, and the Trivia-Transmitters, to name but a few.
Their system is diabolically simple. They find a poor, bored, lonely mortal—often a mere child—and in vampirelike fashion, drain him of all
willpower, commonsense, intelligence, and taste. They then work their magic to have this mental and moral degenerate appointed Vice-President of Programming for a major television network. He, in turn, contaminates thousands, who themselves go on to high-paying jobs in the broadcasting profession. . . . Sex and violence, the two ingredients essential to any fairy tale, fill the air when the Boggles are at work. But while the weddings with frogs and bloody decapitations found in classic fairy stories are suitable for children, on television they become sniggering double entendres and bloodless car wrecks, which only adults can understand. Mind Boggles are repelled by the normal, natural scent of humans, and much of their time and effort is spent inducing “bromidrosophobia,” that is, the morbid fear of bodily odors.
HISTORY: This most evil of Goblins (for it’s your soul they’re gobblin’), Mind Boggles are descended from simple hobgoblins, the chimney corner creatures who used to inspire people to stare into the fire, watching the flames “make pictures.” This required, unfortunately, imagination, the deadly enemy of all goblins. (From their point of view, radio was not much of an improvement, as it also demanded some mental activity on the part of the audience.) Now that Boggles can zip along cables, bounce off satellites, and zoom right into your face, they couldn’t be happier. It just goes to show you the benefits of working through the proper channels.
SPOTTER’S TIPS: Mind Boggles gain access to their victims by means of a glass-fronted box located in the home. Weird, flickering light and unnatural voices emerging from this diabolical machine are signs that the Mind Boggles are at their insidious work.
*An Ohio Mind Boggle, whispering seductively, “Do not adjust your mind