The Secret · American Version

Illustration: JACK O'LECTERN — Plate, American edition Zoom Full-size scan

JACK O'LECTERN

Orator ineptus

RANGE Classes, lectures, seminars, discussion groups, conventions, pulpits, meetings, rallies, briefings, press conferences, speeches, sales presentations, readings, awards ceremonies, banquets, show-and-tell . . . anywhere, anytime anyone has the opportunity to blow into a microphone and ask, at deafening volume, “Is this on?”

HABITS The Jack O’Lectern is tinier than an on-off switch, and wicked as a feed-back scream. He first enchants his victims into believing falsely that they have something to say, as he dangles from a mike, smiling, beckoning. They approach him. Behind their glazed eyes are the visions he conjures: applause, fame, fans, enemies refuted, causes justified, stardom, groupies, the Nobel Prize. . . . And as his victims gaze out, humble yet proud, coldly intelligent yet compassionate, into the waiting faces of their audience, he quickly scrambles their notes, inserts their slides upside down, scrawls obscenities on the blackboard and hides the eraser, and then makes them suddenly and profoundly aware that they have to go to the bathroom. Jack’s tactics are various. During a Presidential debate, he has been known to pull the plug on the sound system, or whisper into a speaker’s ear that Iberia is a state in the midwest. At a college commencement exercise, he might have the valedictorian address Doctor Pinkham, the Rector, as “Doctor Pinker, the Rectum.” When you stand to share your views with the P.T.A., he simply does down your fly.

HISTORY This saboteur of elocution is related, as you might have guessed, to another pumpkin-headed English hobgoblin, Jack O’Lantern, but our Jack specializes in Gab Hob-blin’. He is not a “solitary fairy,” but a gregarious sort, who prefers to team up with fellow sprites in his pranks. He employs Typographical Terrors to insert humiliating bloopers into the Teleprompter, and Energenii to wreak havoc with the public address system. Stylus Devils frequently assist him in scrambling the audio-aids, while Freudian Sylphs entice embarrassing double entendres from the speaker’s lips. SPOTTER’S

TIPS Wherever there is an easel holding simple charts and graphs, or rows of folding chairs, or plates of untouched chicken a la king being cleared as a gavel bangs—the Jack O’Lectern is waiting, and grinning, in the wings.

Two editions, one page

The American and Japanese printings side by side. Click either page to zoom in.

Japanese edition page: JACK O'LECTERN — 日本語版 · Japanese edition

日本語版の本文

Noisy Mike

The Japanese text, section by section, with an English back-translation.

棲息地もちろんカラオケバでいる。-。最近では家庭にカラオケセットを置いて, 家族全員で楽しんでいる人もいる。この妖精たちは、だいたい夜の7時ごろから繁華街に出没し、道を行くサラリーマンに「ちょっと飲みに行こうか」といわせるかわりに, 「ちょっと歌って行こうか」といわせる。カラオケで歌うのが目的で、お酒を飲むのでないため, お酒が売れず, オードブルやおつまみで稼ぐようになり,もっとひどくなると, 1曲1000円もとって, カラオケの売り上げがいちばんだという店もある。しかしこの妖精たちのおかげで,どれだけのいったんつぶれかかったバーやスナックがもちなおしたか数えきれない。夜の街の救世主でもある。

Habitat Karaoke bars, naturally. Recently some people have set up karaoke equipment at home for the whole family to enjoy. These sprites appear in the entertainment districts from around 7pm, turning what would have been “fancy a drink?” into “fancy a song?” Since people are coming to sing rather than drink, alcohol sales have dropped — bars now make their money on appetizers and snacks instead. In the worst cases, some establishments charge 1,000 yen per song, with karaoke becoming their biggest revenue stream. But thanks to these sprites, countless bars and snack bars that were on the verge of going under have been saved. They are the saviors of the nighttime entertainment district.

習性傍若無人。人の迷惑を考えない。自分さえ満足すればいいという自己中心主義である。そこがかえって会社中心主義のサラリーマンに受けている理由で、会社でがまん, カラオケで発散のパターンが一般的な傾向になりつつある。また上司のへたな歌を聞かされて慢性下痢症で悩んでいるサラリーマンは,自宅に帰って自分のカラオケで歌い、ストレス解消をはかっている。から歴史むかしは、売れないプロの歌手がどさまわりに連れて歩いた妖精たちのことだったが最近は, サラリーマンになくてはちなならない友だちでもある。みにカラオケのほんとうの意味は、売れない歌手のへたな歌を聴くと, 気持ちが悪くなってからの桶がいるからで、現在いわれている空のオーケストラの意味とはちがうものだった。

Behavior Utterly inconsiderate. No thought for others. Pure self-centered “as long as I’m satisfied” energy. Ironically, that’s precisely why they’re popular with company-centric salarymen — the pattern of enduring everything at work then letting it all out at karaoke is becoming the standard. Salarymen suffering chronic digestive trouble from being forced to listen to their boss’s terrible singing come home and relieve their stress on their own home karaoke set.

私立探偵の情報マイクを見るとすぐもちたがり,「このマイク入っている?」なんていうやつがいるところにいる。また、会社の部屋のドアにいちばん近いところにすわっているサラリーマンの机のひきだしのなか。会社は彼を宴会用に飼っているだが弊害もある。生まれつき音痴の人間が,このカラオケ・セットを見ただけでジンマシンが出て, 突発的な顔面神経痛に襲われるのだ。それをむりにすすめて, 脱水症を起こして死亡するケースがあとを絶たない。この問題を重視した政府与党は,国家的な惨事にいたるまえに、野党のカラオケ議員をまじえてカラオケの妖精たちの取締まり法案の作成に取り組む予定からだ。

History In the old days these were sprites that accompanied failing professional singers on their provincial tours — but recently they’ve become indispensable companions to the salaryman. Incidentally, the true original meaning of “karaoke” came from the fact that listening to a failing singer’s terrible performance made you feel so sick you needed a bucket — quite different from the current meaning of “empty orchestra.” Field Intelligence Found wherever someone spots a microphone and immediately wants to grab it, asking “is this mic on?” Also found in the desk drawer of the salaryman sitting closest to the office door — the company keeps him around specifically for banquets. There are side effects, however. People born tone-deaf break out in hives at the mere sight of a karaoke set and are struck by sudden facial neuralgia. Cases of people being forcibly pressured into singing and dying of dehydration are endless. The ruling party, taking this problem seriously, plans to work with opposition karaoke legislators to draft a regulatory bill controlling the karaoke sprites — before it becomes a national catastrophe.

JACK O'LECTERN

Two editions, one page

日本語版の本文

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