RANGE: Classes, lectures, seminars, discussion groups, conventions, pulpits, meetings, rallies, briefings, press conferences, speeches, sales presentations, readings, awards ceremonies, banquets, show-and-tell . . . anywhere, anytime anyone has the opportunity to blow into a microphone and ask, at deafening volume, “Is this on?” HABITS: The Jack O’Lectern is tinier than an on-off switch, and wicked as a feed-back scream. He first enchants his victims into believing falsely that they have something to say, as he dangles from a mike, smiling, beckoning. They approach him. Behind their glazed eyes are the visions he conjures: applause, fame, fans, enemies refuted, causes justified, stardom, groupies, the Nobel Prize. . . . And as his victims gaze out, humble yet proud, coldly intelligent yet compassionate, into the waiting faces of their audience, he quickly scrambles their notes, inserts their slides upside down, scrawls obscenities on the blackboard and hides the eraser, and then makes them suddenly and profoundly aware that they have to go to the bathroom. Jack’s tactics are various. During a Presidential debate, he has been known to pull the plug on the sound system, or whisper into a speaker’s ear that Iberia is a state in the midwest. At a college commencement exercise, he might have the valedictorian address Doctor Pinkham, the Rector, as “Doctor Pinker, the Rectum.” When you stand to share your views with the P.T.A., he simply does down your fly. HISTORY: This saboteur of elocution is related, as you might have guessed, to another pumpkin-headed English hobgoblin, Jack O’Lantern, but our Jack specializes in Gab Hob-blin’. He is not a “solitary fairy,” but a gregarious sort, who prefers to team up with fellow sprites in his pranks. He employs Typographical Terrors to insert humiliating bloopers into the Teleprompter, and Energenii to wreak havoc with the public address system. Stylus Devils frequently assist him in scrambling the audio-aids, while Freudian Sylphs entice embarrassing double entendres from the speaker’s lips. SPOTTER’S TIPS: Wherever there is an easel holding simple charts and graphs, or rows of folding chairs, or plates of untouched chicken a la king being cleared as a gavel bangs—the Jack O’Lectern is waiting, and grinning, in the wings.
棲息地もちろんカラオケバでいる。
-。 最近では家庭にカラオケ
セットを置いて, 家族全員で楽
しんでいる人もいる。この妖精
たちは、だいたい夜の7時ごろ
から繁華街に出没し、道を行く
サラリーマンに 「ちょっと飲み
に行こうか」 といわせるかわり
に, 「ちょっと歌って行こうか」
といわせる。 カラオケで歌うの
が目的で、お酒を飲むのでない
ため, お酒が売れず, オードブ
ルやおつまみで稼ぐようにな
り,もっとひどくなると, 1曲
1000円もとって, カラオケの売
り上げがいちばんだという店も
ある。
しかしこの妖精たちのおかげ
で,どれだけのいったんつぶれ
かかったバーやスナックがもち
なおしたか数えきれない。 夜の
街の救世主でもある。
習性 傍若無人。 人の迷惑を考
えない。 自分さえ満足すれば
いいという自己中心主義であ
る。そこがかえって会社中心主
義のサラリーマンに受けている
理由で、 会社でがまん, カラオ
ケで発散のパターンが一般的な
傾向になりつつある。 また上司
のへたな歌を聞かされて慢性下
痢症で悩んでいるサラリーマン
は,自宅に帰って自分のカラオ
ケで歌い、ストレス解消をはか
っている。
から
歴史 むかしは、 売れないプロ
の歌手がどさまわりに連れて歩
いた妖精たちのことだったが最
近は, サラリーマンになくては
ちな
ならない友だちでもある。
みにカラオケのほんとうの意味
は、売れない歌手のへたな歌を
聴くと, 気持ちが悪くなってか
らの桶がいるからで、 現在いわ
れている空のオーケストラの意
味とはちがうものだった。
私立探偵の情報 マイクを見る
とすぐもちたがり,「このマイ
ク入っている?」 なんていうや
つがいるところにいる。 また、
会社の部屋のドアにいちばん近
いところにすわっているサラリ
ーマンの机のひきだしのなか。
会社は彼を宴会用に飼っている
だが弊害もある。 生まれつき
音痴の人間が,このカラオケ・
セットを見ただけでジンマシン
が出て, 突発的な顔面神経痛に
襲われるのだ。 それをむりにす
すめて, 脱水症を起こして死亡
するケースがあとを絶たない。
この問題を重視した政府与党
は,国家的な惨事にいたるまえ
に、野党のカラオケ議員をまじ
えてカラオケの妖精たちの取締
まり法案の作成に取り組む予定 からだ。
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Habitat
Karaoke bars, naturally. Recently some people have set up karaoke equipment at home for the whole family to enjoy. These sprites appear in the entertainment districts from around 7pm, turning what would have been “fancy a drink?” into “fancy a song?” Since people are coming to sing rather than drink, alcohol sales have dropped — bars now make their money on appetizers and snacks instead. In the worst cases, some establishments charge 1,000 yen per song, with karaoke becoming their biggest revenue stream.
But thanks to these sprites, countless bars and snack bars that were on the verge of going under have been saved. They are the saviors of the nighttime entertainment district.
Behavior
Utterly inconsiderate. No thought for others. Pure self-centered “as long as I’m satisfied” energy. Ironically, that’s precisely why they’re popular with company-centric salarymen — the pattern of enduring everything at work then letting it all out at karaoke is becoming the standard. Salarymen suffering chronic digestive trouble from being forced to listen to their boss’s terrible singing come home and relieve their stress on their own home karaoke set.
History
In the old days these were sprites that accompanied failing professional singers on their provincial tours — but recently they’ve become indispensable companions to the salaryman. Incidentally, the true original meaning of “karaoke” came from the fact that listening to a failing singer’s terrible performance made you feel so sick you needed a bucket — quite different from the current meaning of “empty orchestra.”
Field Intelligence
Found wherever someone spots a microphone and immediately wants to grab it, asking “is this mic on?” Also found in the desk drawer of the salaryman sitting closest to the office door — the company keeps him around specifically for banquets.
There are side effects, however. People born tone-deaf break out in hives at the mere sight of a karaoke set and are struck by sudden facial neuralgia. Cases of people being forcibly pressured into singing and dying of dehydration are endless.
The ruling party, taking this problem seriously, plans to work with opposition karaoke legislators to draft a regulatory bill controlling the karaoke sprites — before it becomes a national catastrophe.
182
