RANGE: From the space-age plastic sheen of the vinyl-tiled floor in the germ-and-mildew-free basement, to the gleaming unclogged galvanized raingutters and sanitized chimney on the well-scrubbed roof. . . amongst the velvet-bagged untarnished silverware, the neatly stacked and daily-dusted china, the square-cornered piles of plush and fluffy towels . . . in contour corners . . . Pasteurized commodes . . . Everywhere a nosey neighbor or critical in-law could pry, peer, sniff, or stroke with the fingertip of a white glove—in every germ-free nook and sterilized cranny of the paranoid nightmare of the American home. HABITS: These wretched household creatures torment housewives into frenzies of lustration by leaving thumb prints, dust motes, fly flecks, stains, smudges, spots, and smears on the household furniture, utensils, hardware, and dry goods. The poor haus-frau, her brain softened by the hysterical importunings to hermetic hygiene on television—it is no coincidence her favorite shows are called Soaps—is incited to further paroxysms of ablution by the Scrububus’ mystical incantation: “All Joy! Shout Jubilee! Bravo! Yes, Bon Ami, Behold Dawn Vanish Like Magic! Cheer Bold Fantastik Future Era! Banish Sea Mist So Fast, Vigilant Arm and Hammer! Whish, Comet! Dazzle! Twinkle, Beacon! Sparkle! Cascade, Tide! Duz Pride Gain Favor? Preen, Fleecy, Brite, Downy, Snowy Dove!” HISTORY: As everyone knows, “Brownies” are the helpful household spirits of England and Scotland, and many tales are told of their domestic kindnesses. But when the first immigrant Brownie reported for duty in the first American kitchen, the (Puritan Pilgrim) housewife saw only an insalubrious brown smudge besmirching her spotless white tile, and clubbed him with a bar of lye soap. Our national obsession with high-gloss disinfected surfaces is the Brownies’ revenge. SPOTTER’S TIPS: Spotters, indeed! Out! Out! OUT! *The Scrububus, that Mother’s Little Helper, keeps places like Iowa squeakyclean.
棲息地 さびのない地下室の床
に張られた塩化ビニールの板か
ら屋根裏の梁にいたるまで, 家
じゅうどこにでもいる。 とくに
おせっかいな隣りのおばさんや
文句の多い親戚連中がようすを
うかがったり、のぞいたり、鼻
でくんくん嗅いだりするところ
にはめだって出没する。 ふだん
は空気中をひらひらと舞い,ち
ょっとでも油断すれば, すぐに
降りてきて付着する。
習性 このじつに不愉快で不衛
生きわまりないほこりの妖精た
ちは、家具や食器具や料理器具,
あるいは衣服や飾り物などあら
ゆるものにしみやさびや汚れや
油などを付着させ,まさに主婦
を気が狂わんばかりの精神状態
におとしいれる。 ゆっくりとテ
レビで昼メロを見るひまさえ与
えない。
放っておけば山のように積も
るし, ぜんそくやアレルギーの
原因にもなる。 まことに困った
ものであるが,これは主婦の強
迫観念の産物であることが, 最
近の学界で発表され、 一部の学
者たち(もちろん, 男性ばかり)
に圧倒的に支持されている。
症状のあらわれで, 彼女たちの
内部の罪悪感がひき起こす一種
のかげろう、ないしはしんきろ
うのような現象であるというの
だ。 よき主婦ではないという自
だから
覚が生みだしていると。
ほこりとは、妻がよき家庭人で
あるかどうか調べるためのリト
マス試験紙のようなもので,舐
めたら赤くなるかも。 そこでひ
とこと。 亭主のシャツの衿につ
いた口紅のあとは、よその女が
奥さんのきれい好きを調べるた
めにちょっと舐めたものである
からご了解を。
歴史 これはそもそも女の嫉妬
テレビの普
とともにはじまり,
及と同時に全世界に蔓延するよ
うになった。
つまり、 あの家具などのうえ
にうっすらと白く見えるほこり
とは、じつは,あまり家庭的で
ない主婦たちが見る妄想的幻覚 さんのいる家にも。
私立探偵の情報 主婦としての
誇りのないところにほこりはあ
る。浮気したくなるようなかみ
124
Habitat
From the vinyl floor tiles of a rust-free basement to the rafters of the attic — everywhere throughout the house. They’re particularly visible wherever nosy neighborhood aunties and complaining relatives come to peer, snoop, and sniff around. Normally they flutter through the air, and the moment you let your guard down they settle and stick to everything.
Behavior
These thoroughly unpleasant and unsanitary dust sprites attach stains, rust, grime, and grease to furniture, tableware, cooking utensils, clothing, and decorations — driving housewives to the very edge of madness. They don’t even allow time to sit down and watch afternoon soap operas in peace.
Left alone they pile up like mountains, and cause asthma and allergies too. Truly troublesome — but recent academic announcements, overwhelmingly supported by certain scholars (all male, naturally), suggest this is actually a product of housewives’ obsessive delusions. Apparently it’s a kind of mirage or hallucination produced by their internal guilt — born from the awareness that they are not being good housewives. Dust, in other words, is like litmus paper for testing whether a wife is a good homemaker. Might turn red if you lick it.
On that note — the lipstick mark on your husband’s shirt collar is simply another woman licking it to test your housekeeping standards. Please understand accordingly.
History
This began with female jealousy and spread to the entire world simultaneously with the proliferation of television.
In other words, that faint white dust visible on furniture is actually a delusional hallucination experienced by housewives who aren’t particularly domestic…
Field Intelligence
Where there is no pride in being a housewife, there is dust. Also found in homes where husbands make you want to have an affair.
124
