The Secret · American Version

Illustration: SCRUBUBUS — Plate, American edition Zoom Full-size scan

SCRUBUBUS

Sanitas furioso

RANGE From the space-age plastic sheen of the vinyl-tiled floor in the germ-and-mildew-free basement, to the gleaming unclogged galvanized raingutters and sanitized chimney on the well-scrubbed roof. . . amongst the velvet-bagged untarnished silverware, the neatly stacked and daily-dusted china, the square-cornered piles of plush and fluffy towels . . . in contour corners . . . Pasteurized commodes . . . Everywhere a nosey neighbor or critical in-law could pry, peer, sniff, or stroke with the fingertip of a white glove—in every germ-free nook and sterilized cranny of the paranoid nightmare of the American home.

HABITS These wretched household creatures torment housewives into frenzies of lustration by leaving thumb prints, dust motes, fly flecks, stains, smudges, spots, and smears on the household furniture, utensils, hardware, and dry goods. The poor haus-frau, her brain softened by the hysterical importunings to hermetic hygiene on television—it is no coincidence her favorite shows are called Soaps—is incited to further paroxysms of ablution by the Scrububus’ mystical incantation: “All Joy! Shout Jubilee! Bravo! Yes, Bon Ami, Behold Dawn Vanish Like Magic! Cheer Bold Fantastik Future Era! Banish Sea Mist So Fast, Vigilant Arm and Hammer! Whish, Comet! Dazzle! Twinkle, Beacon! Sparkle! Cascade, Tide! Duz Pride Gain Favor? Preen, Fleecy, Brite, Downy, Snowy Dove!”

HISTORY As everyone knows, “Brownies” are the helpful household spirits of England and Scotland, and many tales are told of their domestic kindnesses. But when the first immigrant Brownie reported for duty in the first American kitchen, the (Puritan Pilgrim) housewife saw only an insalubrious brown smudge besmirching her spotless white tile, and clubbed him with a bar of lye soap. Our national obsession with high-gloss disinfected surfaces is the Brownies’ revenge. SPOTTER’S

TIPS Spotters, indeed! Out! Out! OUT!

Two editions, one page

The American and Japanese printings side by side. Click either page to zoom in.

Japanese edition page: SCRUBUBUS — 日本語版 · Japanese edition

日本語版の本文

The Dust Sprite · Scrububus

The Japanese text with an English back-translation.

Japanese text

棲息地さびのない地下室の床に張られた塩化ビニールの板から屋根裏の梁にいたるまで, 家じゅうどこにでもいる。とくにおせっかいな隣りのおばさんや文句の多い親戚連中がようすをうかがったり、のぞいたり、鼻でくんくん嗅いだりするところにはめだって出没する。ふだんは空気中をひらひらと舞い,ちょっとでも油断すれば, すぐに降りてきて付着する。

習性このじつに不愉快で不衛生きわまりないほこりの妖精たちは、家具や食器具や料理器具,あるいは衣服や飾り物などあらゆるものにしみやさびや汚れや油などを付着させ,まさに主婦を気が狂わんばかりの精神状態におとしいれる。ゆっくりとテレビで昼メロを見るひまさえ与えない。放っておけば山のように積もるし, ぜんそくやアレルギーの原因にもなる。まことに困ったものであるが,これは主婦の強迫観念の産物であることが, 最近の学界で発表され、一部の学者たち(もちろん, 男性ばかり)に圧倒的に支持されている。症状のあらわれで, 彼女たちの内部の罪悪感がひき起こす一種のかげろう、ないしはしんきろうのような現象であるというのだ。よき主婦ではないという自だから覚が生みだしていると。ほこりとは、妻がよき家庭人であるかどうか調べるためのリトマス試験紙のようなもので,舐めたら赤くなるかも。そこでひとこと。亭主のシャツの衿についた口紅のあとは、よその女が奥さんのきれい好きを調べるためにちょっと舐めたものであるからご了解を。

歴史これはそもそも女の嫉妬テレビの普とともにはじまり,及と同時に全世界に蔓延するようになった。つまり、あの家具などのうえにうっすらと白く見えるほこりとは、じつは,あまり家庭的でない主婦たちが見る妄想的幻覚さんのいる家にも。

私立探偵の情報主婦としての誇りのないところにほこりはある。浮気したくなるようなかみ

English back-translation

Habitat From the vinyl floor tiles of a rust-free basement to the rafters of the attic — everywhere throughout the house. They’re particularly visible wherever nosy neighborhood aunties and complaining relatives come to peer, snoop, and sniff around. Normally they flutter through the air, and the moment you let your guard down they settle and stick to everything.

Behavior These thoroughly unpleasant and unsanitary dust sprites attach stains, rust, grime, and grease to furniture, tableware, cooking utensils, clothing, and decorations — driving housewives to the very edge of madness. They don’t even allow time to sit down and watch afternoon soap operas in peace. Left alone they pile up like mountains, and cause asthma and allergies too. Truly troublesome — but recent academic announcements, overwhelmingly supported by certain scholars (all male, naturally), suggest this is actually a product of housewives’ obsessive delusions. Apparently it’s a kind of mirage or hallucination produced by their internal guilt — born from the awareness that they are not being good housewives. Dust, in other words, is like litmus paper for testing whether a wife is a good homemaker. Might turn red if you lick it. On that note — the lipstick mark on your husband’s shirt collar is simply another woman licking it to test your housekeeping standards. Please understand accordingly.

History This began with female jealousy and spread to the entire world simultaneously with the proliferation of television. In other words, that faint white dust visible on furniture is actually a delusional hallucination experienced by housewives who aren’t particularly domestic… Field Intelligence Where there is no pride in being a housewife, there is dust. Also found in homes where husbands make you want to have an affair.

SCRUBUBUS

Two editions, one page

日本語版の本文

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