RANGE: Since hanging plants and other decorative foliage in the kitchen are often sensitive to smoke, many folks find it advisable to do their cooking out back, where all the trees and bushes (that spoiled the view) have already been cut down. Here, beside the great brick burger forges, cast iron weiner crematoria, and vast superheated kilns for the incineration of steaks, spuds, corn cobs, and sausages, the Backyard Barbacreep dances like the blue flame atop a decorative Hawaiian garden torch; and by his eerie light, we see bottles of bland condiments, fearful utensils of barbarous making, ribaldly inscribed paper napkins, frosty pitchers of fruitflavored sugar-free fluids, and terrified children, cowering women, and strangely garbed grown men performing the savage fire-lit rites of marinade. HABITS: The Barbacreep defies nature—under his spell, the flash point at which charcoal ignites is raised to that of asbestos. Combustion can be achieved only after the ritual libation of several gallons of high octane fuel, after which the whole hibachi goes up in a fire storm, transporting many pounds of prime chuck, an awning, and your eyebrows into the Great Beyond. He puts mustard clots in the nozzle of the squeeze bottle; he lends to catsup the consistency of Kool-Aid; he loosens the cap on the salt shaker; he inspires the dog to heroic steak snatches—if possible from the hands of the boss’s wife; he causes deck chair collapses, eye-smarting wind shifts, midge plagues, dive bombing pigeons, fork gorings, second-degree grease burns, pool cramps, flash floods, and indigestion. HISTORY: The Barbacreep’s ancestors were the horned and furryhaunched Satyrs of ancient Greece, who unwillingly used to participate in many a goat roast in Arcady. Today, their descendant wreaks his vengeance upon all who eat meat on sticks, on picnickers, campers, hikers, scout troops, and everyone else who contrives to cook out of doors. SPOTTER’S TIPS: The Backyard Barbacreep is never far from half-baked franks composed of fly eggs, rodent hair, and earwig mandibles; nor from singing aunts; or stinging ants. He is often accompanied by raccoons, ravenous in-laws, and the occasional bear. Look for him in summer, leering over hedges and fences, hungrily sniffing the air for the scent of kerosene and singed human flesh. *Backyard Barbacreep is a red-hot Texas tradition. Come an’ git it, before it gits you!
棲息地 当然,裏庭のあるとこ
ろ。とくに裏庭パーティの精が
好むのは、招待する側, される
側がともに大物であるような裏
庭パーティだ。 その大物が政界,
財界の人びとならなおけっこ
う、裏庭パーティの精ははりき
ってしまう。 彼らはいっも,秘
密めいた話しあいに聞き耳をた
てている。
そして何をしでかすのか?
習性 密談が進み, 話が重要な
点にさしかかると,ワイング
ラスがとつぜん倒れる。 それも、
テーブルの中央に向かって倒れ
るのではなく、椅子に腰を降ろ
している人のほうへ倒れるの
だ。 あわれ, 英国製の特別誂え
のスーツはワインでびっしょ
り! そして, バーベキュでも
していようものなら、裏庭パー
ティの精が肉からたれる油に石
油を混ぜ, 巨大な火柱が立つこ
とになる。
小さないたずらのレパートリ
ーはたくさんある。
Barbacreep
スティック製の容器を手にした
とたん、手に思わぬ力がはいっ
て向かいにすわっている人にた
っぷりとマスタードがひっかか
る。いわば, マスタード鉄砲だ。
塩・コショウの入れ物の内ぶ
これをかけ
たをゆるめておく。
考え
ようとするとどうなるか,
コショ
るまでもなく,塩づけ,
ウづけになってしまう。
もう少し手がこむと, 裏庭で
放し飼いにしている犬をそその
かして,テーブルの食べ物めが
けて飛びかからせたりもする。
歴史 裏庭パーティの精の出身
は, 古代ギリシャである。 密談
ぎらいの彼らは,以後,洋の東
西を問わず, 裏で行なわれるあ
らゆることを害しつづけている
のである。
私立探偵の情報 もしあなたの
家に裏庭というものがあれば,
それだけで狙われるだろう。 裏
庭パーティの精の存在をたしか
めたければ, きょうにでもそこ
で (なるべくえらい人を招待し
マスタードをかけようとプラて)パーティを開くことだ。
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Habitat
Naturally, anywhere with a backyard. What the backyard party sprite particularly favors are parties where both the hosts and guests are important figures. If those important figures are from the political or business world, even better — the sprite gets extremely excited. They’re always eavesdropping on secretive conversations.
And what do they get up to?
Behavior
As the secret discussion progresses and reaches a critical point, a wine glass suddenly tips over — not toward the center of the table, but directly toward whoever is seated in the chair. The poor victim’s specially tailored British suit is soaked in wine.
And if there happens to be a barbecue going on, the backyard party sprite mixes petroleum into the fat dripping from the meat, sending a massive pillar of fire shooting up.
The repertoire of smaller pranks is extensive. The moment someone picks up a stick-shaped mustard container, their hand exerts unexpected force — and the person sitting across from them gets thoroughly splattered with mustard. A mustard gun, if you will.
The lids of salt and pepper shakers are loosened in advance. What happens when you try to use them — goes without saying. Completely salted, completely peppered.
For something more elaborate, the sprite coaxes the dog roaming free in the backyard to launch itself at the food on the table.
History
The backyard party sprite originates from ancient Greece. Despising secret dealings, they have since continued to sabotage everything conducted behind the scenes, East and West alike.
Field Intelligence
If your home has a backyard, that alone makes you a target. If you want to confirm the existence of the backyard party sprite, throw a party there today — inviting as important a guest as possible — and see what happens.
