The Secret · American Version
Illustration: ALIBI ELF
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Under the spell of the Mira Chimera, we wonder things like, “How do I look from the back?

ALIBI ELF

Nolo contendere

RANGE From your first bed wetting and that broken heirloom vase, through hooky, dented fenders, broken curfews, parking violations, prima facie evidence of adultery, broken contracts, missed dental appointments, late payments, and the final bed wetting, Alibi Elf is there, to get you off the hook with a plausible explanation. Sometimes.

HABITS If one’s conscience functions as a judge, then Alibi Elf may be said to be everybody’s personal defense attorney, his briefcase bulging with extenuating circumstances and cover stories. He provides the dog who ate the homework. He has a large stock of readily available malfunctioning watches, sick friends, bus and plane schedule irregularities, terrible splitting migraines (the worst you’ve ever had), and (during the World Series) expired elderly relatives. He is not, himself, very reliable, and sometimes sends one of the junior partners around to handle the action. These “Poor” and “Lame” Excuses can, at best, get you out of alimony proceedings with only a severe tongue-lashing or can plea-bargain a spanking offense down to “your room without dinner.” Like any successful lawyer, Alibi Elf is not concerned with matters of objective innocence or guilt, but so dazzling are his powers of justification and rationalization that he often inspires his clients with enough self-pitying self-righteousness to brazen out the case, despite mountains of damning evidence. “I didn’t know it was loaded!”; “I don’t remember!”; “I was drunk!”; and “I can’t help it, I’m a Taurus!” are among his typical motions for dismissal.

HISTORY Alibi Elf is originally a Fay of French origin and was responsible for helping to establish his homeland’s curiously labyrinthine legal systems before emigrating to the New World. When the first British general lost the first conflict in the Revolutionary War, Alibi Elf was there to help him explain to his superiors that the disaster was the result of “faulty intelligence,” when the real faulty intelligence then, as now, was that of the officer in command. Over the years, Alibi Elf has been of great service to military men, but oddly not to cadets, who in most cases are taught to exorcise this creature with the simple phrase, “No excuse, sir.” Likewise, Alibi Elf has been of assistance to politicians (with varying degrees of success). It was he who prompted several “Abscam” defendants to explain to incredulous juries that they were attempting to entrap the FBI agents from whom they had taken bundles of hundreds. Alibi Elf keeps very busy in Washington, issuing cover stories through press agents he has inspired and offering explanations and amplifications “not for attribution.” These follow on the heels of each policy disaster or personal scandal. “Sorry about that” and “the President misspoke himself” are two fairly recent examples of his work. SPOTTER’S

TIPS The look of outraged innocence in the eyes of an alleged perpetrator is an almost certain sign that he (or she) is busy consulting with Alibi Elf, especially if it is accompanied by the words, “I won’t dignify that accusation with a reply.” Explanations that begin “Frankly” or “In all honesty” are inspired by his counsel and are, therefore, neither frank nor honest. Mortals calling upon the aid of this supernatural spirit do so, as might be expected, in a time-honored, ritual manner. They assume a facial expression of absolute candor and proceed to testify—with their fingers crossed. *As legal aid to New Hampshire’s Dan Webster, Alibi Elf once helped beat the Devil. *

Two editions, one page

The American and Japanese printings side by side. Click either page to zoom in.

Illustration: ALIBI ELF
American edition
Japanese edition page: ALIBI ELF
日本語版 · Japanese edition

日本語版の本文

The Alibi Sprite · Alibi Elf

The Japanese text, section by section, with an English back-translation.

棲息地 アリバイとは, 法律用語でいうと, 「現場不在立証」のことであるが,ふだん一般に用いられている意味は, 「現場存在立証」 のほうである。 たしかに会社の近くの雀荘で友人たちとマージャンをやっていたとか、上役といっしょにカラオケ・バーで歌っていたとか、妻に帰宅の遅い理由を訊かれたときに,自分のいた場所と同席人を明示し、その現場にまちがいなく存在していたことを妻に納得させるようなうそをアリバイというのである。アリバイがほんとうなら、 <だくだと説明する必要もなく、「おまえには亭主が信じられないのか」と堂々と一喝すればいいのであるが, アリバイをいったん口に出してしまったら争点はアリバイ1本にしぼられ、 妻の執拗な追及から逃れられなくなる。 そうなるともともとないアリバイを立証してみせるのだから、レースの最初からハンディキャップを背負って走るようなものである。 きっと苦しいレース展開になるだろう。つまり世の男たちにとって,アリバイとは,もっともらしいうそのことなのである。 すねに傷もつ人なら理解いただけると思う。

Habitat In legal terminology, “alibi” means proving you weren’t at the scene — but in everyday usage, it’s more commonly used to mean proving you were somewhere else entirely. Specifically: when your wife asks why you’re home late, you specify the mahjong parlor near the office where you were playing with friends, or the karaoke bar where you were singing with your boss — a convincing lie that establishes exactly where you were and who you were with, getting your wife to accept it without question. That’s an alibi. If the alibi is true, there’s no need to ramble on about it — you can simply thunder “Don’t you trust your own husband?” and shut the conversation down. But the moment you start offering an alibi, the entire dispute narrows to that single alibi, and escaping your wife’s relentless interrogation becomes impossible. At that point you’re trying to prove an alibi that didn’t exist in the first place — like running a race with a handicap from the very starting line. It’s going to be a grueling race. In short, for the men of this world, an alibi is simply a plausible lie. Those with something to hide will understand.

習性 しかし, このアリバイのそんなときにもっ妖精たちは,ともらしいいいわけを用意して待っていてくれるのである。 彼らのブリーフケースのなかには、ありとあらゆる種類のアリバイが用意されている。 交通の渋滞だとか電車の事故、とつぜ友だちの気分が悪くなったん,だとか取引先のお得意が急に上京しただとか、とにかく妻の追その晩の安眠を約及をかわし、束する資料にはこと欠かない。しかし, このアリバイの妖精たちに登場を願うときの最低の心がけとして,もし万が一不幸にしてばれた場合、 妻の怒りに火をそそぐようなアリバイ,たとえば妻の近親者などを巻きこんで妻のもっている信頼関係を利用したり,そういう悪質なアリバイだけは避けておいたほうがいい、念のため。

Behavior And yet — the alibi sprites are always waiting with a ready-made plausible excuse for exactly these moments. Their briefcase is packed with every variety of alibi imaginable: traffic jams, train accidents, a friend suddenly feeling unwell, an important client unexpectedly coming to town — an inexhaustible supply of materials guaranteed to deflect a wife’s interrogation and secure a peaceful night’s sleep. However, one minimum precaution when calling upon the alibi sprites: in the unfortunate event of being found out, avoid any alibi that would pour fuel on your wife’s fury — particularly ones that drag in her relatives or exploit her trust in people close to her. Just a word of caution.

歴史 アリバイの精は,もともとはフランスの出身である。 この国では,浮気とはアリバイのゲームでもあるのだ。

History The alibi sprite originally hails from France — a country where an affair is essentially an alibi game.

私立探偵の情報 妻が 「正直にいったら許してあげる」 とか 「さっき部長さんから電話があったわよ」などというきまり文句をいいだしたら, アリバイの妖精をしっかりつかんで離さないこと。

Field Intelligence The moment your wife starts using classic lines like “I’ll forgive you if you just tell me the truth” or “Your department chief called earlier” — grab the alibi sprite tight and don’t let go.

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