RANGE: Commonly found in art galleries and recital halls, these ghastly ancient female creatures also frequent vernissages and poetry readings, and occasionally stray into lofts and garrets in their relentless search for human prey. They infest grant committees and awards councils and often lurk behind the mastheads of small literary publications. How any given Culture Vulture can attend so many simultaneous openings, unveilings, lectures, meetings, and wine-and-cheese parties is a mystery; it has been conjectured that they travel from place to place on “old bat” wings. HABITS: It is the horrible nature of the Culture Vulture to maintain herself in a state of eternal middle-age flush by ceaselessly draining the creative energies of young actors, dancers, sculptors, composers, writers, and artists. (Those who feed exclusively off writers are called “Inkubii,” artists are afflicted with “Paintergeist,” and musicians get “Harpies Simplex.”) The Culture Vulture can sometimes be found in the company of her fellow patrons, the Philharmonic Orc and (when there is nothing else to do) the Torontogre. Young geniuses are lured by the apparent interest, affluence, and generosity of the Culture Vulture into unnatural relationships, and then discarded upon the slag heap of last year’s trends. The Culture Vultures are eternally hungry for new “creative” blood. Thus, they perpetually create new “artistic” movements, fashions, trends, and schools, thereby transforming perfectly normal craftsmen, clowns, and idiots into “artists” whom they can discover, fuss over, celebrate, and then deposit in the trash with Op Art, Theater of Cruelty, twelve-tone music, nonfiction novels, hi-tech sculpture, and other used up passions. Not all Culture Vultures are female— but even the ones who aren’t pretend to be. HISTORY: Even the youngest of today’s Culture Vultures (commonly known as “Groupies”) are descended from the “Furies” (then disguised as “Maenads”) who so loved the performances of the Greek singer-songwriter Orpheus that they tore him into little pieces. SPOTTER’S TIPS: The shrill, crooning voice and mechanical laugh are dead giveaways, as are the rattle of bracelets, the ubiquitous, untasted glass of white wine, blue cheese breath, lipstick on the teeth, and knotted wads of darkened cartilage on the elbows. Culture Vultures are among the easiest to identify—and hardest to avoid—of all unearthly creatures. Culture Vultures swoop down from Connecticut, to feed on dying art forms
棲息地 ふだんは街の片すみの
画廊とか田舎の公会堂なんかを
順ぐりにまわっているが, 1年
にいちどだけ, 季節が秋になる
と、この妖精たちは国じゅうの
いたるところに出没するように
なる。 政府もこの時期だけは妖
精たちの活動を認めているらし
く, 文部省がバックアップし
て数々の催し物がひらかれる。
GNPの向上に汗水流して働
いている人間たちも, 秋になる
と、きまってこの妖精たちの名
を口にする。 なぜだろう?
どうして春ではいけないの
か。 あるいは夏とか冬では?
秋はなんとなくもの悲しくなっ
て、気持ちが内向し、感情に左
右されやすい状態になるからな
のだ、という芸術家がいた。 し
かし、これはうそだ。 若い女性
が処女を喪失する季節は夏がい
ちばん多いそうである。このこ
とからも感情に左右されやすい
状態になるのは夏だということ
が証明されている。
習性 この妖精たちは, 若い俳
優やダンサー, 彫刻家や作曲家,
画家や作家たちの創造的エネル
ギーを取りたて, 芸術に飢えて
いる大衆の犠牲によろこんでな
るようにする。 見返りはなにも
なく, 秋が過ぎれば, 枯葉のよ
うにどこかへ舞っていってしま
150
う。
この妖精のいとこたちに, 失
恋の秋という妖精がいる。 これ
は夏に激しく燃えあがった恋に
終止符を打つ役割を果たしてい
つまり高揚した感情をしず
る。
めるのだ。 そしてこの失恋の秋
の妖精たちにつかまらなかった
芸術の秋を楽
カップルだけが,
しむことができるのである。
歴史 一般にはギリシャが発祥
事実
の地と考えられているが,
は,文部省の芸術祭執行委員
会, あるいは各大学の文化祭実
行委員会なのである。 わが国で
は明治維新以後, 西洋文明の導
入といっしょにはじまった。
私立探偵の情報 大学の文化祭
に行けば, 学生たちがつくった
看板の裏に隠れているのですぐ
にわかる。
Habitat
Ordinarily these sprites make the rounds of small urban galleries and rural public halls — but once a year, when the season turns to autumn, they appear everywhere across the country. The government apparently recognizes their activities during this period alone, with the Ministry of Education backing a whole array of events.
Even people sweating away to improve the GNP reliably start invoking these sprites’ name come autumn. Why is that?
Why not spring? Or summer, or winter? One artist said it’s because autumn brings a vague melancholy, turning feelings inward and making people emotionally susceptible. But this is a lie. Apparently summer is the season when the most young women lose their virginity — which proves that the season when people become emotionally susceptible is actually summer.
Behavior
These sprites collect the creative energies of young actors, dancers, sculptors, composers, painters and writers, and encourage them to willingly become sacrifices for an art-hungry public. There is no compensation, and when autumn passes they drift away somewhere like fallen leaves.
This sprite has a cousin called the Autumn Heartbreak sprite — whose role is to put an end to loves that burned intensely through summer, cooling those heightened emotions back down. Only couples who escape the Autumn Heartbreak sprite get to enjoy the autumn arts season together.
History
Greece is generally considered the birthplace — but the truth is, it’s the Ministry of Education Arts Festival Executive Committee, or the cultural festival executive committees of various universities. In Japan it began alongside the introduction of Western civilization after the Meiji Restoration.
Field Intelligence
Go to a university cultural festival and you’ll find them immediately — hiding behind the signs students made.
150
This is a very interesting creature but my favorite is still the Kinderguardians.
I like it.