RANGE: Enormous chandeliered mausoleums named after extinct robber barons are the customary haunts of these myopic Neanderthals, but they may also be seen—and heard—on Public Television, FM radio, wine-bar Muzak systems, BMW cassette decks, and wherever gouty millionaires doze in red plush seats beside their buxom spouses. HABITS: The Philharmonic Orc high-browbeats the citizenry into believing that he and only he has the right to make loud noises—or, for that matter, any noise at all. To this end, he has created an inefficient dinosaur of a noisemaking machine, the Symphony Orchestra, to which respect, homage, and bucks must be paid. He hushes you with a lordly hiss, should you chance to cough during a pause in his machine’s noisemaking. His victims leap to their feet shouting “bravo” (for men) and “brava” (for women) during other pauses. He reserves for himself the right to be first clap in and last clap out. He is the moving spirit behind the granting of vast sums of public money to subsidize art forms which are patronized largely by persons with vast private wealth. If music be the food of love, the Philharmonic Orc is providing food stamps for the upper class. He has insidiously hornswoggled us all into the certainty that only music composed before 1900, as interpreted by seven dozen of his monkey-suited thralls, is serious. HISTORY: The Philharmonic Orc claims kinship with both the Phantom of the Opera and the emigrée Sugar Plum Fairy. He also maintains an unholy marriage of convenience with the Culture Vulture. For reasons difficult to fathom, the Germans, Italians, Russians, and French all proudly claim him as their own. Like the Vampire, a similarly attired, decadent and aristocratic monster, the Philharmonic Orc came comparatively recently to the New World—but he wasted no time inspiring the nouveau riche of the Main Line, wild frontier, and Barbary Coast to erect (by public subscription) Opery Houses, those gauche and gilded temples sacred to his cult. These days he is more likely to cause the construction (by tax deductible donation) of a square-mile-sized, pre-stressed concrete neo-fascist styled, totally unnecessary acoustical joke called The (fill in the politician’s name here) Center for the Performing Arts. SPOTTER’S TIPS: An overture (con brio) of clinking crystal and silver cigarette cases snapping; a pizzicato of popping collar buttons; an arpeggio of uncultured pearls; a scherzo of stomach noises; a continuo of muted flatulence; a crescendo of self-satisfied sighs; a diminuendo of sucked dentures; and a coda of sonorous snores. *The Philharmonic Orc makes passionate Overtures to bankers and their wives.
棲息地 豪華なシャンデリアの
さがったコンサートホール、
インテリが趣味で集めているレ
コードのなか, FM放送, 気弱
な男が女性をくどくときに使う
BGMなどに出没する。
やっかいなことは, この音楽
を聴くまでの心の準備がたいへ
んで, したがって演奏がはじま
るとその疲労からすぐ眠くなる
ことである。もちろん、これは
妖精たちのいたずらなのだが,
演奏中のオーケストラの一員が
いねむりしてしまったことがあ
る。
習性 世間ではクラシック音楽
を高級な音楽のように取りちが
えている面もあるが,この妖精
たちはいたって下世話であまり
高級なこととは縁のない暮しを
している。 庶民の出身なのであ
る。
人間たちにとりついて高級な
人種になったように錯覚させ,
本人の知らないうちに内部から
人格を崩壊させていく。
むかし、 ラーメンが1杯30円
だったころ, コーヒーが1杯150
円という名曲喫茶があった。 レ
コードがまだ78回転のころであ
る。こんな喫茶店に集まるお客
は,気むずかしい, 根のくらそ
うな,とても深刻な顔をした人
たちばかりだ。 わが国のクラシ
ック音楽は、こういった根クラ
な人たちによって発展してき
たのである。その間ずっと,と
もすれば大衆音楽へとひかれそ
うになる気持ちをおさえ, あと
1歩のところで踏みとどまり、
クラシック音楽の灯を消さずに
ともしつづけてきた彼らの心の
よりどころとなったのは, じつ
は,1杯150円のコーヒーだっ
たことは、あまり知られてい
い。 そして彼らが結婚し, 子ど
その子どもが大きく
ももでき,
「お父
なるときっとこういう。
さんたちのころは、食べるもの
がなかった」と。
歴史 ドイツ, フランス, イタ
リア, オーストリアなどがわが
国こそ発祥の地であるといいは
一般大
ってどこもゆずらない。
衆の生活向上の影の原動力とな
り, 英国の産業革命以後, めざ
ましい発展をとげた。 しかし,
ビートルズの出現以来かなり押
されぎみでこのままいけば博物
館か葬儀所でしか聴けなくなる
だろう。
私立探偵の情報 レコード屋の
いちばん奥の見とおしのわるい
ところにならべられている。ま
クラシック演奏会でもやっ
た,
て高い入場料を徴収しないと経
営していけないばかでかいホー
ルへ行けば会える。
148
Habitat
Concert halls with magnificent chandeliers, the record collections of intellectuals, FM radio, background music used by timid men trying to woo women. The troublesome thing is that mentally preparing yourself to listen to this music is so exhausting that once the performance begins, the fatigue makes you immediately drowsy. This is of course the sprites’ doing — there was even an incident where a member of the performing orchestra fell asleep mid-concert.
Behavior
Society tends to misunderstand classical music as sophisticated and high-class — but these sprites live remarkably ordinary, far-from-highbrow lives. They come from common stock.
They possess people and make them under the illusion they’ve become a superior class of human, while quietly dismantling their personalities from the inside without them knowing.
Back when a bowl of ramen cost 30 yen, there were “meikyo kissa” — classical music cafes — that charged 150 yen for a single cup of coffee. This was the era of 78rpm records. The customers who gathered in such cafes were uniformly difficult, gloomy-looking people with deeply serious expressions. Japanese classical music developed through the efforts of exactly these dark, brooding types — people who constantly suppressed the pull toward popular music, held back at the last step, and kept the flame of classical music burning. What kept their spirits up through all of this was, not widely known, actually that 150-yen cup of coffee. And when they married, had children, and those children grew up, those children would surely say: “In your day, Dad, there was nothing to eat.”
History
Germany, France, Italy, and Austria all insist that their country alone is the true birthplace and refuse to yield to each other. It became a hidden driving force behind the improvement of ordinary people’s lives, developing remarkably after the British Industrial Revolution. However, since the emergence of the Beatles it has been on the back foot — and at this rate will soon only be heard in museums or funeral homes.
Field Intelligence
Found in the least visible corner at the very back of the record store. Also at those absurdly oversized concert halls that can only stay financially viable by charging outrageously high ticket prices.
148
