ELF S. PRESLEY

RANGE: Elf S. Presley is a union card carrying member of the Spirits of Show Biz, who accompany performers on the road. Whether the venue is a snotty concert hall or a grungy night club, a cavernous stadium or the high school gym, Rock’n’ Trolls like Elf S. are present backstage wherever tickets are being scalped out front. HABITS: The squeal of feedback, a dry ice machine miscue, the off-key plonk of a guitar string snapping, a dead mike during a vocal; all these misfortunes may usually be attributed to the tireless labors of a Rock’n’ Troll like Elf S. Presley. Techies and roadies accompanying a band on tour struggle unceasingly and unsuccessfully against such creatures, and experienced road managers attempt to placate them with bribes ranging from caviar kebabs (expensive sturgeon roe skewered on toothpicks) to bottle caps brimming with the costliest of vintage champagnes. This policy of appeasement often has no effect, or worse, the caviar-stuffed and champagnebloated sprites are often stimulated to greater than usual excess. In one instance, such a sated and inebriated Spirit of Show Biz was responsible for the collapse of an entire discotheque interior during its two hundredth playing of “Disco Inferno” by the Tramps (foreshadowing the decline in popularity of flashing lights, white suits, and bad lyrics). Elf S. personally selects the washed-up comic or utterly derivative local rock group who invariably opens for the headliners and sees to it that the main attraction arrives several bore-dom-and-mayhem filled hours late. He invented Festival Seating, open-air concerts without rain dates, and the charming glow-in-the-dark necklaces which glow in your face for hours. He has toured with REO Speed-wagon, Peggy Lee, the Grassroots, and is known to be discussing a stint in Vegas with Welsh crooner Tom Jones. His biggest pleasure is encouraging the popularity of dead rock stars over live ones. HISTORY: Like most creatures with a piece of the show biz action, they are of Italian descent, distant relatives of the Phantom of the Opera. The first to make the transition from classical to pop music was the fearful Phil Spectre, SPOTTER’S TIPS: Rock’n’ Trolls like Elf S. are even harder to see than the headliners they accompany. They are faster than a promoter with a box office bag and, when they want to be, transparent as a cold bag of greasy chicken. If you are lucky, you may catch a glimpse of one grinning stage left, as an amp blows up stage right. Mr. Elf S. Presley of Tennessee—he loves that legal tender.