RANGE: Four-star French restaurants, executive dining rooms, diplomatic pieds-à-terre, country club kitchens, even The Average American Home— wherever pretentious food is being prepared (or attempted), these wicked imps can be found, and the more haute the cuisine, the higher the jinks they’re up to. They inhabit the oven, for extreme heat does not bother them as they perform ritual cake deflations inside. Nor do they mind the refrigerator’s cold, as they gnaw away at the cellophane, all the better to “freezer burn” those treasured filets. Chances are, your kitchen is full of them—n’est-ce pas? HABITS: Like good chefs everywhere, the Saucier’s Apprentices know that preparation is so important. Thus, hours before the cooking is to begin, they are busy in the kitchen, blunting the knives, bending the spoons, jamming the blender, blowing out the pilot light, hiding the butter, and souring the cream. They are never happier than when a perfectly normal mortal decides to “really get into cooking,” and to that end acquires numerous, indecipherable recipe books and elaborate expensive utensils—preferably electric and dangerous. A classic Saucier’s Apprentice technique (or “true”) is to spill tomato sauce on a metric conversion table, which can result in some amazingly good concoctions accidentally being whipped up by the Apprentice’s victim, who thereafter must guess at the proportions, should he or she ever wish to make the dish again. Malfunctioning scales, timers and thermometers? Off-speed Cuisinarts, lukewarm ice cream makers, pasty pasta? If your gourmet meal looks slightly unreal, blame the Saucier’s Apprentice. HISTORY: Many believe that Saucier’s Apprentices are of French extraction, but anyone who has eaten in England knows better. They are, in fact, Hob Goblins, (first described in the Julia Childe Ballads) the legendary spirits of the British fireside, who burnt the cakes for King Alfred and whose hideous names have been given to so many British dishes: Bubble and Squeak, Banger, Toad in Hole, Pig in a Blanket, etc. An aristocratic member of the family is to this day responsible for all runny omelettes: Will o’ the Whisk. Confined at first to the kitchens of the very rich in America, the Saucier’s Apprentices have become dangerously active in recent years with the malevolent help of the Mind Boggles, through whose channels they introduced the blasphemous rites of foreign cooking into the hearts and kitchens of the formerly naive and hamburger-happy homemakers of the United States. Many a harmless Shake-and-Baker has thus been Bearded in her den, transformed into a veal-boning, Hollan-dazed, stir-crazy, woked-out, long order kook. SPOTTER’S TIPS: If you have shell fragments in the scrambled eggs, lumps in the gravy, charcoal toast, oil slicks in the soup, concrete croissants, silly millimeter-high soufflés, a julienned index finger and a well-done thumb, then you have Saucier’s Apprentices infesting your kitchen. Send out for Chinese.
棲息地 4つ星のフレンチ・レ
ストラン, 最高級レストラン,
カントリークラブのレストラ
ン, それに一般家庭の台所
要するに、 これ見よがしの料理
がつくられるところならどこに
でも棲息する。
お料理の品格がお高くなれば
なるほど、ソースの精も浮かれ
てくる。 彼らは, オーヴンの熱
さにも冷凍庫の冷たさにも, け
っしてあげたりはしない。
習性 腕のいいシェフと同じよ
うに、ソースの精も下ごしらえ
の重要性というものをよく知っ
ている。 だから、彼らが活躍す
るのは, 料理のはじまるまえの
数時間なのだ。
では,台所で彼はなにをして
いるか? ナイフを鈍らせ,ス
プーンを曲げ, 攪拌器を故障さ
せ,ガスの口火を消し, バター
を隠し、クリームを腐らせたり
しているのだ。
ソースの精がとくによろこぶ
のは、完全に正常な人間が、 「さ
あ、料理にとりかかろう」と決
心し、そのために複雑きわまり
ない料理の本を開き, 高価な道
具 (電動式の危険なもの)を用
意するときである。
ソースの精の古典的なテクニ
ックとしては, 格調高い会話が
ックとしては、格調高い会話が
かわされているテーブルにトマ
ト・ソースをぶちまけることで
ある。
また, 計量カップやタイマー
なまあたたか
や温度計の狂い,
いアイスクリーム製造機、こう
いうトラブルはソースの精のし
わざなのど、もしあなたご自慢
の料理におかしな点があった
ら、なにもかもソースの精のせ
いにすればいいのです。
de
歴史 ソースの精はフランスの
出身だと思っている人が多い
が,イギリスで食事をしたこと
のある人ならよくわかるはずで
ある。 ほんとうの祖先は、アル
フレッド王にケーキを焼いてい
た, イギリスのかまどの精なの
である。
私立探偵の報情もしいりタマ
ゴのなかに貝殻の割れたものが
はいっていたり、肉汁のなかに
なにかのかたまりがはいってい
たり、つまり異物がはいってい
たら、あなたの台所にはソース
の精がいると思ってまちがいな
い。
128
Habitat
Four-star French restaurants, top-tier establishments, country club restaurants, and ordinary home kitchens. In short, anywhere pretentious cooking is being attempted. The more elevated the cuisine’s dignity, the more the sauce sprite gets excited. Neither the heat of the oven nor the cold of the freezer ever gets to them.
Behavior
Just like a skilled chef, the sauce sprite understands the importance of preparation. So their hours of activity are the several hours before cooking begins.
What are they doing in the kitchen? Blunting knives, bending spoons, breaking the mixer, extinguishing the pilot light, hiding the butter, and souring the cream.
What particularly delights the sauce sprite is when a perfectly normal person resolves “right, I’m going to cook something” — then opens an impossibly complex cookbook and assembles expensive equipment, preferably electric and dangerous.
The sauce sprite’s classic technique is to splatter tomato sauce across a table where refined conversation is in full flow.
Malfunctioning measuring cups, timers and thermometers, lukewarm ice cream makers — all the sauce sprite’s doing. So if anything seems off about your proud culinary creation, just blame the sauce sprite for everything.
History
Many people assume the sauce sprite is French in origin — but anyone who has eaten in England will understand immediately. The true ancestor is the English hearth sprite who was baking cakes for King Alfred.
Field Intelligence
If you find broken eggshell fragments in your scrambled eggs, lumps in your gravy — foreign objects in your food in other words — you can be certain a sauce sprite has taken up residence in your kitchen.
128
Looking at the pics: The woman seems to be modeled on Julia Child. I met her in Late 1994 or early 1995 at the Trader Joe’s in Montecito, CA. She was a very interesting woman.
Maybe you can glean something from this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julia_Child.